You'll get marriage proposals playing music like that.

So says the guy who called my show this morning fawning because I played Johnny Winter and a Loudon Wainwright III duet with his daughter ("Rock Me Baby," off White Hot Blues, and "You Never Phone," off the live album So Damn Happy).
I know that dude's called before because we had the same exact conversation about the Wainwrights. Nobody else ever plays them/that's my favorite song from that album/such a musical family/yeah well this song's about to end so Ihavetogopushbuttonsbye.
Exciting to know that I have at least one regular listener who doesn't know what I look like, but. This guy reminds me entirely too much of one of my dad's friends who's about fifty and creeps me out, therefore Caller Dude creeps me out as well.
Tuesday night, when we cleaned out the machine shop enough for the solar powered boat dudes, Donnie's dad complimented me on the button-up-and-tie route I wore for the team's public robot unveiling earlier that day. (We were suppose to not look like college kids because the press and our sponsors and the local media--all three of them--and the university president made appearances so we had to represent. I was the only one that really did but I have far too few excuses to wear my awesome red paisley tie anyway.) That sort of gave me pause too, but it didn't creep me out nearly as much as make me wonder if I should be creeped out or not.

Sexuality is such a delicate thing. I'm reading Slut! (Leora Tanenbaum), which is a book about the double standards of sexuality set for girls versus for boys. Basically, if a girl puts out, she's a slut, but if she doesn't she's a loser. If a guy puts out (is that even an applicable phrase for a male? I don't think I've ever heard it said except about girls), he's awesome. If he doesn't, he's just as much of a loser as his female virgin counterpart, but he has the option of becoming sexually promiscuous to earn respect among his peers. Girls don't have that option.
I also bought a book called Virgin: The Untouched History (Hanne Blank) which from what I can tell from the book jacket is about the importance of virginity in different cultural roles and throughout history.
I've recently started dipping into nonfiction studies of female sexuality, which I guess fascinate me because I want to understand my own sexuality and gender. Since being female has never really been an upfront important aspect of my personality, I think I want to sort of figure out a context in which I belong along some greater spectrum of pink fluffy things and militant feminism.
That, or I just like reading about sex. It could go either way.

At my Monday counseling appointment, Lisa basically told me I need more friends. Of course I need more friends. I realize that I am a hermit. No, I don't always like it this way. Did you realize, dear Reader, that boredom has weight? A weight that's like a giant stuffed pillow falling on you; it's so much more oppressive and fucking heavy than it looks.
But I've decided not to go back to the counseling center. I'm going to cancel my appointment that's next Wednesday, and I'm going to finish my bottle of 60mg Cymbalta but not refill it. There's no refill authorized on it anyway.
I'm just so fucking sick of trying to explain the fear I can't articulate and getting sidetracked into other issues that didn't even hurt until she put them in a certain light and using up entire boxes of tissue in one go and pretending my problems actually matter when I still have no idea what the fuck they are.
I'm not getting anywhere, and I don't know what to say to these people anymore, if I ever did at all. And no, I'm not going to group therapy. I'm not going to listen to either A. a bunch of people with problems so much deeper than mine that I'll be ashamed or B. a bunch of whiny bitches who just realized life sucks and can't get over it. Pot, kettle--exactly. No thank you. I hate myself when I'm like that so why the hell should I like anybody else if they're like that?

Watched an interesting American Dateline special online last night, about the Mormon church.